Oh, you think this is an amazing opportunity to spend more time together? You’re excited to learn common core math? Those few hours when you had the house to yourself made you feel lonely and unproductive?

Well, bless your heart.

That means go fuck yourself.

I have never been less excited about the prospect of my children taking conference calls from my living room than during a global pandemic.

I’m trying to find FOOD AND MEDICINE. I don’t give a rats ass about sight words! And every teacher on my Facebook feed is talking about how much more challenging it is to do distance learning. Well, stop trying to out fucking do yourself! Can you not PLEASE assign a drawing of a rainbow or ask that they learn how to make their beds?

These adorable “learning resources” everyone keeps emailing me make my chest tight. And please, please do not suggest that I need ideas to keep my kids busy. That’s why our family has spent thousands of dollars on all of these toys that I keep stepping on.

No one can agree when the kids will be back in school, or if they’ll all be graduated or advanced to the next year. So, it sort of seems ill-advised to blast out of the gate with a distance learning plan geared at imploding my mind.

I hate to play the autism card, but, OK! Hey! My kids are autistic and guess what doesn’t really translate over the Chrome Book? Oh, my kids 1:1 aide or the occupational therapy room where they go so they don’t spin in 50 circles and smash their little faces into the counter.

You’re dealing with a woman whose worst nightmare is summer break. Guess what just happened three months early?

I really don’t need to challenge myself right now. I’m looking for ways to still find my children charming past 9:30 in the morning.

So, mom vlogger who is super excited to realize how great she is at teaching her kids, bye! More room in my feed for The Onion and reality show memes.

Casual Facebook friends who have set up little mock classrooms replete with desk and white board, ah-feck off!

This is a dark time! Can’t we drop the pretense that your kid made that popsicle stick periscope?

My children and I are going to draw a bunch of monsters and dragons, argue about what time is snack, take a walk and then I am going to reward their not being terrible with an hour of screen time. Because I would like some time to blot out this crap reality and read my trashy Kindle book!

That’s my home school. You will have detention if you send me a single suggested learning opportunity.