I never imagined that I would be writing a potty training success story that involved carnivorous plants!

I have offered literally everything to my child if only we could say goodbye to diapers. And this is a walking, talking, knows-how-to-use-a-tablet-better-than-me little person. It was well past time.

In a family of thee autistic kids, I have wrestled, begged, bargained, and pleaded over pretty much any scenario you can concoct. If it involves the cooperation of a willful child, I’ve lived that life.

Our entourage of developmental therapists were each consulted. I choked on each bit of well-intended advice, at the suggestion of sticker charts. Oh, what a novel idea! That’s totally going to work! One M&M for a pee? He’s too smart for that raw deal.

I ignored the situation. I achieved acceptance. I surrendered.

Then, one morning, fighting down my wafer thin patience, I had an epic tantrum of my own and ranted, “I’M TAKING THE DIAPERS AWAY!”

Dramatically, I pulled the bin of diapers from the bathroom drawer and tossed them into my room. Rummaging, I found the underpants I bought 6 months ago.

Yes, I was not my best self. But it was time for SAVAGE POTTY TRAINING!

Our nanny had been trying to entice this child as well, and had bought an itty-bitty venus fly trap (“itty-bitty” and “flesh-eating” currently being two appealing concepts to my imp).

A bingo chart was quickly transformed to start the earning.

And it fucking worked! Finally! For a plant!

In three days, we had an extremely engaged toilet pee-er! In three days, he logged 24 visits to the loo and he’s EARNED HIS CARNIVOROUS PLANT!

In these Covid times, when we’re all pissing our pants from the conveyor belt of more and more bad news, I know someone with dry undies!

And, I now have two other children, willing to earn miniature flesh-eating plants for positive behavior.

Savage Potty Training. Patent Pending.