Guy is so “over” the pandemic he now lives in an alternate universe

I am innocently debating the pros and cons of getting an “Earth Day” cake pop with my two Littles when Guy Twenty-Something stumbles into the Starbucks and queues up behind us.

BARISTA Sir, do you have a mask?

GUY No. (horror washes down his face) ARE WE STILL DOING THAT?!

I fully hone in one this fool as I literally look around for the exit. This Guy wants so desperately for the pandemic to be over that he has convinced himself that it is.

The very chirpy barista lovingly informs this time traveler that in fact alllllllll the Starbucks, psst, and California, are masking indoors.


In my head, I did add “LADIES” as a nod to Liz Lemon.

GUY It’s been two years! I’m not doing that anymore!

[tantrum. ignites into a cartoon poof of villainous black smoke.]

That’s when we also left because:

A) they were actually sold out of Earth Day cake pops, and

B) that guy freaked me out!

As a former retail slave I have encountered plenty of asshole customers. But this guy was genuinely clueless that the entire state of 39.4 million people are supposed to be wearing masks indoors. Indoors which includes the place where you get your coffee!

I know it’s just me that still reads all the Covid articles on CNN and the Times and the Tribune every night. But surely, this Guy has some friends or at the very least he is on social media somehow? He was deep into his phone at the outset of this drama so maybe he just hasn’t looked up in two months to notice what we’re all still doing?

All of you Guys listen. My senses are crackling on high alert because of all the expected crap entailed in an outing with two small children. Don’t come creeping up on me and drop your revolution all over my sugar and caffeine party. I don’t have the luxury of your oblivion. I’m responsible for young lives.

We drove a mile down the road to a different Starbucks where everyone behaved politely, wore their damn masks and conducted themselves like it’s 2022.

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