A vintage post from my forgotten blog, “Mama in a Minefield”. Miscarriage trigger.

A bump picture for an angel baby.

Monday, January 26, 2015

And then she received the most surprising news of all. She was pregnant.

She, me, was pregnant for the 6th time and at age 39 1/2. Me, I was pregnant!

I found out just after New Year’s. We had been having the most stressful time with big brother. And my husband was stressed at work, and he’d been diagnosed as pre-diabetic, and I was stressed and drinking wine every day just to survive! We had just come to terms with our “No more babies” deal.

I fell pregnant and I knew immediately. I always get the most unique and crazy pregnancy dreams. They are my first symptoms. On the day on my missed period, I just knew. A fist full of tests confirmed it. I was going to be really old and pregnant! And really old and having a baby! And I was really scared to be having a baby on top of my two monsters I already had and have yet to house train.

I made peace with all of that and started to get happy and excited. I was cautious, but I was thinking of the due date and thinking of nurseries and new baby gear and, most recently, names. Might it even be a little girl?

All the while, the daunting medical evidence started stacking up that this pregnancy might never turn into a take home baby. My early blood work was adequate but my hormones rose a bit sluggishly. I was sick, but not as sick as I’d been with my other babes. Then, the ultrasound this morning dropped a crushing blow. An empty egg sac, measuring a week + behind my suggested gestational age. I didn’t even have to wait for more blood work. We knew this was the end.

My hormones are currently dropping which means impending miscarriage. My baby stopped growing at 5 weeks 5 days. These are important numbers. There will be no birth weight to announce. These are my mementos of this time with my baby. And short lived as it was, I loved being pregnant with this baby. I even posed for two bump pictures showing off my not-a-bump. And while that’s tragic, I’m so happy to have that evidence that baby was here for a short time .

Now, it’s the truly awful time of waiting to miscarry. I’ve decided that I want to have a d&c. I don’t want to cramp and labor to pass the baby. I just want to go to sleep and be delivered. I wish, more than anything, that I could just swallow a pill and have the baby taken gently from my body. Instead, I need to have a consultation, and sign forms, and find child care for two kids, and go under anesthesia, and wake up, empty.

Then I’ll mourn all over again.

I wasn’t expecting this baby but when he or she found me, I was so amazed and I felt blessed to have been chosen. But does the Universe want me to have another go at it? It’s too early to think about that. But I am thinking about it. And I will let you know.

Cyn at 9:00 PM

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